Love Is an Ex-Country

Rating: really liked it

3.5 stars. Raw and traumatic. Beautiful prose.

Rating: liked it

Tried this one a second time and the rhythm just isn’t there for me. For a road trip memoir, the book feels oddly directionless — U-turns in every chapter with odd reflections, random detours of sexual escapades with no real purpose (albeit no judgement here). Not to mention, it reads less like a story in motion than a hodgepodge of tense encounters with racists to flat observations of social media culture to very sensitive recollections of abuse, trauma and conflicts with racial identity.

The writing is also tediously plain in many parts while thriving in few others. Overall, it’s the lack of concentration and consistency that didn’t do well for me. Admittedly, I may not be this author’s target reader, and that’s okay. There were moments with which I engaged and connected deeply, but sadly not enough to stick around for the ride.

Rating: really liked it

I thank Catapult for this ARC via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This is a bracing, upfront book.  Jarrar maintains her sense of humor, a firm grasp of irony, and a deeply observant eye.  I admire her strength and her clear-eyed gaze despite and/or because of her harrowing experiences.  Importantly, she kept a sense of joy and nurtured out-of-the-box quirkiness and creativity.

Her memoir recounts her hunger for life and for liberation beyond various oppressors and naysayers. The writing here is also poetic and keenly crafted in equal measure. She is fearless and unapologetic.

I enjoyed her two previous fiction titles and her wry and on-point tweets. She has written some of the most imaginative stories I've ever read. With her memoir, I can further appreciate Jarrar's creative voice.

I read this book during the 2020 elections and its aftermath. And this book helped me have a sense of hope. Her last chapter had an ending that was forgiving and loving; it touched me beyond description because Jarrar could have been righteously depressed and worn down but she wasn't.  She chose her own path and made her own light.  I will read more of her works.

Rating: it was amazing

Was lucky to be able to get my hands on an advance copy of Randa Jarrar’s new memoir, out February 2021, and which I wolfed down in just two days. The memoir is a wonderful and unapologetic meditation on (and celebration of) the body, identity, loneliness, kink, home, community, pain, trauma and acceptance. It is so rare for a book to make you laugh out loud one minute and then feel tearful the next. Randa, I am so thankful that you are here and that you continue to write so openly and vulnerably. We are so lucky to have you.

Rating: it was amazing

This is a book made on and by the loom of my body. It is "meandering," disorienting, and non-linear on purpose, as it is a reflection of my own body and experiences as a refugee and a survivor of assaults. If you sense that the book is for you, it was truly written for you.

Rating: it was amazing

One of my favorite memoirs this year. Randa is a kick ass writer with no filter and I LOVED it. I devoured this incredible memoir in one sitting! I loved Randa's kick ass prose. She has a gift of providing the reader with all emotions on the rainbow spectrum. I cried, laughed, hollered as Randa leads you on her journey filled with trials and tribulations, but most importantly hope. With the reminder to never lose your voice. She has truly become one of my favorite Arab writers, a unique important voice missing in literature especially in memoir! Facing all the challenges from childhood through domestic strife, single motherhood and persona non grata after speaking her true authentic voice about the evil Bush Matriarch, you will be cheering Randa throughout the entire book. Memoir is my forte and I highly recommend this book to every bookseller, reader and memoirist. Love Is An Ex-Country has my vote for the Memoir of 2021.

Rating: it was ok

This was something of a misunderstanding and probably my fault. The description led me to believe it was more of a road trip sort of travelogue (though the author has lived a fairly nomadic life and does seem to travel a good amount) with personal reminiscences thrown in. But no, this is very much a memoir and a nonlinear one at that, than any sort of travelogue. It owes its nonlinear nature due to being comprises of a variety of previously published essays. I’ve actually recently read and loved a book done in that format, so that wasn’t the main detractor here. The detractor was…the memoir or really its subject. And here’s the thing with memoirs…to review one is to, essentially, review someone’s life, something this reader personally is considerably less comfortable with than reviewing other genres. This is one of the reasons I stay away from memoirs, the other one being…general dislike for the oversharing self important nature of the genre. If I’m interested in someone’s life (and for this they had to have led a really interesting and accomplished life), I’ll read a bio. Preferably, a posthumous one, something with a proper perspective. Memoirs are like personal blogs in their essential look at me, look at me nature. And because it’s generally difficult to attract attention of the attention deficit audience, the memoirs have to be fairly outlandish and, especially these days, check as many diversity boxes as possible. And the Jarrar checks a lot of boxes (Muslim, Arab American, queer, kinky, abuse survivor, fat) and isn’t shy to talk about any of them. So let’s talk about those…Jarrar self admittedly is Muslim conceptually and not in practice, so essentially she talks the walk without walking the walk. She is Arab American of a mixed Palestinian and Egyptian family, but she (her words) passes for white, so she gets a lot of mileage out of that too. Some of the discrimination arising from that is bewildering (ways of the world bewildering), like her being unable to enter Palestine for a family visit, she got turned away by Israelis and out on a plane back to the US, despite being an American citizen. Queer, that’s a popular one these days, such a generous blanket definition, yes, occasionally it seems Jarrar sleeps with women, though every relationship mentioned in the book is with a man. Kinky…definitely, a relatively late in life found passion that she talks about with great, great detail and advocates for avidly. Abuse survivor…now that’s a heavy one. And possibly causal for some of the other ones, mainly kink. Apparently, Jarrar has been brutally abused (both physically and psychologically) by her father, to the extent that at 16 she had to call the cops on him. She doesn’t much get into whether his abusive nature stems from coming from a culture where women are systemically treated as lesser than and/or property or if he’s just a terrible person, but apparently comes to forgive him in later years, somehow. After leaving her family, she found herself repeating the cycle of abuse, this time with a man who essentially forced her to go through with an unwanted pregnancy at 18, resulting in her only son…and boy, I’m sure he loves to hear that origin story. And yet, somehow, Jarrar managed to overcome all that abuse, to go on, get an education, raise a child and become an author and a professor. Ok, that right there, that’s impressive, like memoir worthy, but does she talk about that? No. Because it isn’t as wild and attention grabbing as kinky sex. Or fatness. Oh wow, does Jarrar get a lot of mileage out of her fatness. She calls herself proudly fat and that’s just…stupid. Yes, there goes judgement and I’m sure it’s an incendiary thing to say in a country as fat as America, but what the f is there to be proud of? When someone says they are proud of being fat, they are saying they are proud of terrible choices, horrible diets, lack of self discipline, lack of personal fitness, etc. Fat/obesity is a very real thing, with many causes, but it can be managed and it should be managed and fought, for a myriad of valid reasons. Just because there’s so much of it around, doesn’t make it ok. It certainly doesn’t make it something to be proud of. It’s just wrong, so wrong, on so many levels. But Jarrar loves her fat body and seems to easily find people to love her fat body and talks about it in endless minute detail with a sort of desperate conviction that personal affirmations seem to have. Like if you say it enough, it might become real. So yeah…that just about covers the size 22 body and the 240 page body of work the author presents on display here. I believe in the importance of different diverse perspectives, but this one didn’t really engage me. When we review memoirs, we review people writing them and the person writing this one was someone I wouldn’t necessarily want to know or have a lot of interest in. Dangerous thing to say in a PC obsessed day and age, but there’s nothing really incendiary about this opinion and it had nothing to do with her race, faith, sexual orientation, gender, etc. This was just more along the lines of a reaction of a morbidly obese person sitting next to you and oversharing obscenely, TMI style, all the while expecting to be somehow admired for this. And many do, this book first 4% (I checked), a not insignificant amount for a relatively slim book, is taken up by praise for this and other works from respectable diverse sources. So maybe it just wasn’t for me. Anyway, it at least read very quickly, I’d hate for it to have been proudly fat book. Thanks Netgalley.

Rating: really liked it

Love Is an Ex-Country is a memoir by Randa Jarrar, a fat, queer Muslim-American woman. She writes about the abusive relationships she's endured, the kink she learned to love with its ingrained rules of consent, the experience of being Muslim and white-passing in the US, the experience of being Palestinian. She writes, too, of her complicated relationship with her physically and emotionally abusive father, and its traumas and after-effects.

It's an excellent memoir on many counts. Jarrar is honest, raw, sultry, and takes no shit. Some of the essays feel a bit scattered; I think that's because this rests somewhere between essays (many of which were published elsewhere) and a true memoir, united, and that disjointedness occasionally shows in moments of repetition or confusion of details. Some of the early chapters were less put-together than many of the later ones, and so it took me a while to truly get into this book, but once I did, it was an impactful and enjoyable roller coaster.

I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Love Is an Ex-Country comes out from Catapult on February 2.

Content warnings for physical domestic abuse and violence, for sexual assault, for manipulation and abusive relationships. (These warnings are not meant to be comprehensive, and I encourage you to do your own research if you have specific concerns.)

Rating: it was ok

Randa Jarrar covers a lot of ground in this book, and she does so in an upfront, humorous, and unashamed way. While I admire her attitude, this really didn’t work for me overall. I went into Love Is an Ex-Country expecting a reflective travel story tackling internal struggles, and maybe that was my misunderstanding, but is definitely not how I would describe this book. The writing is blunt and moves through events at a plodding pace, and the messages she conveys are often delivered as a triumphant single sentence to cap things off. Sexual content is rarely an issue for me in books, but describing Tinker Bell and Thumbelina as “queer, visual representations of clitorises” is a bit much for me. It’s just not for me.

Rating: really liked it

3.5 stars. Love Is an Ex-Country is a memoir and essay collection that pulls no punches. While Jarrar's recalls her past traumas in short bursts, there's no sugarcoating the extensive physical and mental abuse she has endured throughout time. This is not the sole focus of this book, though: this collection is also both an exploration and a celebration of what being an Arab American means to Jarrar, as well as a contrast of what being Arab means to others. It's a testament to growing up on the move, without a true hometown, and so much more. Whether or not Love Is an Ex-Country introduces you to identity and societal concepts you may or may not be familiar with, it's certainly going to take you aback and think about intersectionality and how it affects your own worldview.

Rating: really liked it

Fascinating and raw. I wasn’t a huge fan of the organization, but definitely felt the content and writing was great.

Rating: really liked it

LOVE IS AN EX-COUNTRY is a powerful memoir by Randa Jarrar. At times funny and moving, this book is set against the backdrop of a cross-country round trip after the 2016 election. She writes about the intersection of her different identities: Muslim, Queer, Fat, Arab-American, Abuse Survivor. She describes her journey to acceptance highlighting important relationships and events in her life. Her father was abusive, both physically and emotionally. Her mother was complacent. Her boyfriend is abusive and controlling, and leaves her once she has the child he did not want her to abort. The two areas which I found most interesting were her journey with her body acceptance and the complexity of her race and how she is perceived. She is a fat woman, and she discusses multiple instances where people are outright hostile to her, including her father. But she also talks about acceptance she has come to as she has gotten older, especially in the kink community, and the importance of consent (which she did not see in past relationships). And as for her ethnicity, she highlights discrepancies when she is identified as white (cop being nice to her after pulling her over for speeding), versus Arab-American (her landlord recommends she put up an American flag in her front yard). Jarrar deals with a lot of heavy topics with candor and wit, and I highly recommend this book.

Thank you to NetGalley and Catapult for providing me with an advance reader copy for review.

Rating: liked it

Love is an Ex-Country

3 stars - an honest queer Muslim memoir, but seemed directionless at times

I was lucky enough to receive an ARC of this book via NetGalley but all opinions are my own

Positives:

- Jarrar doesn't hold back! I enjoyed how she was unapologetic throughout each chapter, and I recognize how this would definitely help empower fellow LGBTQ+ Muslims and those struggling with their faith and sexuality.

- I liked the informal language and tone of the book, as it made me feel like I had a greater understanding of Jarrar's personality.

Negatives:

- The prose itself was often jumpy and lacked direction. It seemed as if Jarrar was trying to explore too many different topics in her anecdotes, which set a very quick 'whirlwind' style pace. To offer more clarity on all these topics, the book should have been longer in my opinion, to bring the reader up to date. For example, I feel I would definitely have enjoyed it more if I had gained a greater understanding of how Jarrar's life has changed now in comparison to when she first came out.

- I think the memoir would have benefitted from more structure, not necessarily chronology, but specific chapters relating to specific topics to make the read more easy to digest. Instead, sexual escapades were trickled into almost every chapter, making the book at times feel somewhat repetitive. Of course this is personal preference!

To conclude...

I liked this book, but I would not rush to recommend it and will not re-read as none of it has 'stuck with me' after reading.

Rating: it was amazing

I received a copy of this book through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This book is brutally honest and captivating.

Jarrar opens up about her experience as an Arab woman, facing abuse, sex, her relationships, and so much more in this book. Through sharing her traumatic experiences of growing up and being a self-described fat woman these essays are raw and moving.

While some of the content is a little repetitive Jarrar tackles her complicated relationship with her father and how it shaped her view of love and her body as well as sex. It's open and hard to look away from.

Beautiful and tragic this is an incredible and eye opening read.

Rating: it was amazing

Though Jarrar's work is brief, as far as memoirs go, each word feels perfectly crafted to tell her story and send the messages she desires. Love Is an Ex-Country had me laughing, visualizing Jarrar's experiences, and feeling the weight of life all in one. I'm going to be recommending this to pretty much everyone.